I Can't Be Old

I went to college today.

Yes, I left the house at dark:30 this morning to get to Athens before all of Atlanta poured out into the federal interstate system.

Every time I go to UGA, I hope I don't stick out. Aren't there grey pot-bellied students?

Anyhoo ... today I was in a suit, carrying one bag and sporting my red and black backpack off the right shoulder ... just the way we all wore our backpacks in school. The only thing missing was my cassette player in the back pocket with earphones, cranking out "Oh Yeah" by Yello from Ferris Buehler. But that's OK ... I was looking good as I left the parking garage and headed by the Baptist Student Union toward the Journalism building.

Not thirty seconds out of the garage, and I had to laugh. "What a moron," I said to myself regarding a passing student. "Total nerd ... wearing both backpack straps on his shoulders. Lame-o." And I grinned to myself as I continued on my journey.

Wait ... another goober fully engaged in backpack straps passed by. Then some folks came out of Fine Arts. Why is everybody wearing both straps??? Don't you know how odd and out of place you look? Look at me, people! This is how you WEAR it ... draped off the right shoulder, giving yourself a bit of a swagger. Can you see it? Like this ... let it bounce off your right hip. See?

Hmm ... well, it appears once again that I was the moron on campus. The old fart, I suppose. Everyone knows you can seriously screw up your back wearing a backpack off to one side. Lord, forgive me for those mental lashings of idiotness. These are just healthy students trying to get through a semester.

But come on ... are those really the kind of pants that guys wear these days? Sheesh. And you ... yes, you ... the guy in the American Eagle shirt. You're tossing locks of hair on the front of your face more than Emeril with a wok of crawfish. I mean it ... stop. You look like you have a nervous habit, DUDE. If you can't speak through the hair, let me introduce you to Sir Scissors.

I went to my speaking engagement ... totally feeling like the grown up. Ugh. But then, I had lunch with my parents at the Mayflower Restaurant, which was established in Athens when Caesar was in Rome. One of these meat and two veggies places. I felt young in that crowd. I saw Michael Adams while I was there. The waitress called me, "Honey." NO tip in the world is enough for that type of service ... along with sweet tea (real sugar) and lemon.

OK ... so I'm older. Fine. But I dress better, and you can see my eyes without a fling of the neck. Fat, dumb and snappy, I am.