Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Of Chickens and Roads

What do you do when you're brain dead but you want to blog? How about a little plagarism with a side order of sarcasm? I found this a while back and pulled it out of storage. If you've read them before, read them again. If they are new to you, enjoy the freshness.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

GEORGE W BUSH -- We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON -- I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

RUSH LIMBAUGH -- I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART -- No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL -- Because the chicken was gay---isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what they call it … 'the other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.

DR SEUSS -- Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

GRANDPA -- In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and we liked it.

BARBARA WALTERS -- Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

CAPTAIN KIRK -- To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD -- The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES -- We're working on a rollout of Chicken2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

ALBERT EINSTEIN -- Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

THE BIBLE -- And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

THE LATE COLONEL SANDERS -- Did I miss one?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Red Dot Fever

It's an obsession now. I watch that little ClustrMap on the right for new red dots. How cool is that? Last week I identified a fan around Turkey. How appropriate. And now somebody is reading in Africa (or at least read once before screaming and running for the hills.)

And what looks to be Iowa ... maybe Ottumwa? (I always felt I would have been Radar on M*A*S*H if I had been in the service ... just not as mousey.)

And I see Tenessee and Toronto. It's like looking through the Romper Room special mirror ... I can see all of you special people!

And if you don't know what Romper Room is ... well, sorry. You missed out. Especially Romper Stompers. Talk about a chick magnet ... those things made you at least six inches taller. Who would have thought you could make money off of two little yellow plastic buckets turned over with rubber handles on them?

Sorry ... I'm having a flashback. Is that Snuffleupagus I hear? Or is it Rita Moreno shouting "Heyyyyyyy Yoooooouuuuuu Guuuuyyyyyssss!" as the director on The Electric Company? And you haven't lived until you've "Zoomah, zoomah, zoomah, zoomed!" with the cast of Zoom.

Where are they now??? Barney had them snuffed out.

Could you imagine Snuffy going up against Barney? Now I'll admit the purple dino has an edge since he stands on his hind legs all the time. But Snuffy could take him out with that trunk in one swift blow.

Not to mention ... Big Bird and Oscar could take on Baby Bop and B.J. any day. Throw in the Teletubbies, and you'd have one serious melee.

Colorful, but serious. I'd pay to see that one.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Lunch Blyte #2

I love Star Trek.

And yes, you do want to know why.

Have you seen the inside of the Enterprise? It doesn't really matter which version you are talking about ... the original, the next gen, or even the ones about space stations or other ships ... they all have one thing in common. It's orderly. Even the Klingons are orderly, albeit somewhat lacking a ship maid. And the Borg are Order Extraordinaire.

If you watch the shows ... you'll never see a pair of shoes sitting in the hallway going to the holodeck. Or toys scattered about the turbolift when you're heading to the bridge. Now mind you ... I'm not bashing being a parent of three. I'm just saying ...

Even in the crew quarters ... everything has a place and everything seems to be in it's place. It's much like when we go on a cruise. You don't have a huge stateroom, and what you do have is very efficient. Little storage nooks and crannies for your small amount of stuff.

I love cruises ... probably more than Star Trek. Yep, I'm certain I like them more. Now if there was a Star Trek cruise, where the ship was like the Enterprise and I had my own replicator ... THAT would be cool. No Earl Gray tea for me ... gimme a Coke float in a frosty mug to carry up to the holodeck, yes-sir-ee.

There's more that I like about Star Trek, but I'll hold it for future lunch blytes. Like the crash scene in Star Trek: Generations (the seventh movie, I believe). Talk about on the edge. I like The Matrix movies, too. Especially the motorcycle scene in the second one. But I digress ... this is becoming a bloated blyte.

And FYI ... I added ClustrMaps to my blog yesterday, and I have a reader somewhere on the western edge of the Black Sea. Perhaps Turkey or Bulgaria. I'm honored. And I hope I don't scare you away, little red dot.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Midnight Near the Beach of Gulf Shrimp and Something that Starts with E

OK ... I was trying to make a play on "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil," but the brain just quit in the middle there. Sorry.

It's the evening (now morning) of our first full day at the Moore's house, my wonderful in-laws. We try to visit them every now and then. It doesn't hurt that they are about 15 minutes from the beach, but it's the 7 hours it takes to get to them that makes it an uncommon visit.

The kids are in bed (Leah is reading a book behind me, because I'm using Dad Moore's DSL wire in the room where she's on the pullout sofa ... I'm sure she wants me to go to bed.) The house is quiet. THIS is spring break. Ah, the deafening silence.

We all went to the movies today, and everyone split up. Veda, Trudy and Leah to see Nim's Island. Trudy's boys to Superhero. And I ... I took the movie less frequented by. And it has made all the difference. (Apologies to Robert Frost for maiming his poem.)

I took Amy and Chaz to see Horton Hears a Who.

Now mind you ... I loved Dr. Seuss as a kid, and still enjoy reading his literature. Who wouldn't love The Foot Book? Yeah, yeah, yeah ... green eggs and ham and all that jazz. But there's so much more!

Anyhoo ... let me just say this ... movies can get the best of me. And apparently, good animated ones can, too. It hit me weird today, though. Why the heck was I choking up in the middle of Horton Hears a Who, for crying out loud?

It's the nature of the human spirit ... the willingness of everyone to want to survive. OMG ... I really did like this silly movie. I held myself together, but man, it was tough. I guess it's the fact that I really GET into the movie and connect with the characters, even if they are a goofy elephant or the mayor of Whoville.

Amy laughed as much as I did. Chaz was like Veda ... pretty quiet ... not much laughing out loud. Even when it was gut-busting funny. Weird. He was more interested in why we didn't have popcorn (we had just come from lunch) or why there were lights on the steps in the aisle.

So ... thumbs up for the movie. And if you don't get choked up ... then you must have a heart that's two sizes too small ... that's all.